A sense of belonging is one of the most powerful gifts we can offer young children. Extending the love and safety they have established in their home out into the world as they start school and form new connections with both teachers and friends. Brene Brown defines belonging as the ability to be who you are. By contrast, she argues fitting in is a way to become who you need to be accepted, like a sculptor shaping, scraping, and separating the unwelcomed parts of you.
Research repeatedly shows the importance of belonging for mental health, in both children and adults. In the last couple of decades, self-esteem has taken center stage in addressing this aspect of social-emotional development. However, the extrinsic focus on motivation and hollow praise have missed the mark, and often do little to communicate any sense of belonging for children. In order to be who you are, you must first know who you are. Likewise, in order for children to embrace who they are, they need a loving adult to support and protect their image of self.
Temperament theory is one resource for better understanding yourself and others. It is an incredible resource for communication. In her book A Grown-Ups Guide to Kid’s Wiring, Kathleen Edelman refers to temperament as the wiring that we are born with, outlining four distinct temperaments: Sanguine (Yellow), Choleric (Red), Melancholic (Blue), and Phlegmatic (Green). Each temperament has its own set of strengths, weaknesses, innate needs, and distress signals. Our innate needs are the ways we feel filled up whereas our distress signals are how we communicate running on empty.
Sanguines hold the upper left corner of the quadrant, meaning they are extroverted kids who are also people-oriented. They’re quick to share their thoughts and feelings and care a lot about the people around them (Edelman, 2021). Sanguines speak the language of people and fun.
Strengths:
● High energy and enthusiasm
● Living in the moment
● Affectionate and joyful
● Apologizing quickly
Weaknesses:
● Being naive
● Loud
● Dramatic
● Forgetful
● Restless
Innate Needs:
● Approval - being liked for who they are without needing to change
● Acceptance - being invited and included
● Attention - having your full focus, especially eye contact
● Affection - being noticed or acknowledged
Distress Signals:
● Charm - elaborating or exaggerating, being “over the top”
● Flattery - Phony or excessive praise of others
Cholerics sit in the top right corner of the quadrant as extroverts who are task-oriented. They speak boldly and confidently and will get things done at all costs - even when people or feelings get in the way. Cholerics speak the language of power and control.
Strengths:
● Confident
● Self-sufficient
● Disciplined
● Persuasive
● Logical
● Competitive
Weaknesses:
● Impatient
● Bossy
● Quick-tempered
● Inflexible
● Argumentative
Innate Needs:
● Loyalty - being prioritized, knowing you have their back
● Sense of Control - everyone pulling their own weight, following the plan
● Appreciation - Being valued for their unique strengths
● Credit for Work - Being valued for their contributions
Distress Signals:
● Tone - harsh or biting comments
● Volume - Angry outbursts, yelling
Melancholics are in the bottom right of the quadrant as task-oriented introverts. They think before speaking and tend to focus less on people and more on solitary activities like schoolwork, reading a book, or doing a puzzle. Melancholics speak the language of perfection and order.
Strengths:
● Sensitive
● Honest
● Detailed
● Trustworthy
● Compassionate
● Great listener
Weaknesses:
● Moody
● Jealous
● Pessimistic
● Judgemental
● Withdrawn
Innate Needs:
● Safety - being able to trust their surroundings and relationships
● Sensitivity - being understood
● Support - being offered or provided help
● Space and Silence - having time to decompress, process, or think
Distress Signals:
● Moods - being judgemental, critical, or self-deprecating
● Silence - being disengaged, unwilling to talk to or hear from others
Phlegmatics are in the lower left of the quadrant. These kids are people-oriented introverts, they think before speaking and prioritize people above all else. Phlegmatics speak the language of calm and harmony.
Strengths:
● Easygoing
● Considerate
● Generous
● Happy
● Helpful
● Friendly
Weaknesses:
● Indecisive
● Stubborn
● Messy
● Sarcastic
● Timid
● Too compromising
Innate Needs:
● Harmony - everyone getting along or everything going smoothly
● Feeling of Worth - being valued for their unique strengths
● Lack of Stress - an absence of conflict or combative words
● Respect - being asked for their thoughts and opinions
Distress Signals:
● Procrastination - delaying or ignoring responsibilities
● Stubbornness - refusing to converse on compromise
So how can you determine temperament? If you purchase A Grown-Up’s Guide to Kids’ Wiring the 40-question assessment test is included. You can also purchase the assessment at Kathleen Edelman’s website (www.kindwordsarecool.com). The website also has a free worksheet to identify your child’s temperament, plus an incredible amount of free resources such as videos, parent resources, and tools. The free videos are targeted to parents and divided into six parts: Expectations, Strengths/Weaknesses, Innate Needs, Signals, Your Temperament, and Temperament Combos (how the parent’s temperament and child’s temperament interact).
Available Resources
● A Grown-Up’s Guide to Kids’ Wiring (book available at Amazon and includes all the tools, resources, and 40 Question Assessment): https://a.co/d/7JpXJjM
● 40 Question Digital Assessment ($15.99 Fee): https://www.kindwordsarecool.com/assessment
(Free Resources)
● Video Resources by Topic: https://www.kindwordsarecool.com/videos
● Parent Bundles by Temperament: https://www.kindwordsarecool.com/tools
● Worksheet for Child’s Temperament: https://www.kindwordsarecool.com/_files/ugd/494190_04ff07aba6e24a1e90ce1e2c150fb162.pdf
● Tools for Teens & Adults also available at: https://www.kindwordsarecool.com/tools
